Please Don’t Put Me Up There - A Pastor’s Wife’s Perspective

By: Rikki Beth Poindexter

“For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.” II Corinthians 10:11

I pray this will be an encouragement to every pastor’s wife; God has not made us all the same nor expected us to be.

I pray this will also be informative to every church member. If you already know this, let it be a good reminder. If you find you have been thinking wrong about your pastor’s wife (PW), allow this to change your view of her. 

I am thankful for the many PWs that I know and for those who have already run their race! So many have encouraged and impacted my life in ways you’ll never know. Keep going; keep serving; keep living for Jesus; keep loving your husband and raising your family!

(If the PW is paid staff, that is a totally different dynamic. I am not writing about that situation. Hopefully, her expectations as paid staff are clearly defined!)

Pray for your PW – make a list of many PWs that you know

I Timothy 2:1 “I exhort therefore, that, first of all, supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks, be made for all men;”

The PW needs prayer just as you.  Pray for her to support and make her pastor/husband better. If she has children, pray she’ll have wisdom to mother to those kids in every season of life. Pray that she will be a Godly example to the flock (just as you should be). Pray the things for her that you want others praying for you. If you are close enough to her, ask her how you can pray for her specifically. Then DO IT!

Protect her  

Psalm 118:8 “It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.”

Protect her by not putting any expectations on her. Then you will not feel failed or disappointed by her. There are no requirements or responsibilities outlined in the Scriptures for the PW. This is wonderful because God created us all so differently. Romans 12:6 teach that we, all Christians, have differing gifts: Some are gifted to teach, others are not. I know PWs that have felt inadequate because they were not teachers. This should not be so. There is no requirement for that. Some Christians have the gift of mercy; others are not as gifted in this area. We could go on through the gifts and say this about each.

There are qualifications, according to I Timothy 3, for pastors that the PW can help or hinder: “given to hospitality.” It will be hard for the pastor to be hospitable without her help. “One that ruleth well his own house.” The PW should do her part disciplining herself and training their children. “Have a good report of them which are without.” The PW can help or hinder his reputation.

The responsibility for the PW is simply to be the pastor’s wife (Help meet)! That’s it! (So easy.) Just as your responsibility is to be your husband’s wife (help meet). Her ministry is her husband first, then her children, and her home! If she has jobs, ministries, and responsibilities at church, hopefully they are ones she feels the Lord wants her to do, areas she has picked to serve, places she’s gifted in, and her husband encourages and supports her. I’ve witnessed PWs being pushed into areas and expected to perform where they are not gifted in by her husband or her church (only to make one miserable and set up to fail). 

Thank you to my husband who has allowed me the grace to be his wife, first; mother of our wonderful kids, keeper of the home, and then grace to find my gifts and use them. I have fulfilled some roles that I did not necessarily feel gifted (if you know, my husband gently pushed me to learn the piano twenty years ago). I did this because there was a need, and I could help fill the need, but not because of any requirements. This is still not my gift. It’s not pretty, but it is practical.

If you do have expectations on your PW, flip them around and see if you would want them on yourself. For example, do you “expect” her to talk to every lady at church? Are you talking to every lady at church?  Is she expected to clean the church? Is she expected to sing in the choir? Is she expected to play the piano? Is she expected to cook for every sick person; to text every lady; teach a ladies Bible study? Is she expected to have a warm, bubbly, extroverted personality? How about you? There are many things all Christians are “expected” to do.

Galatians 6:2 “Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” Some people can help bear more than others. Some seasons of life or dispositions cause one to be able to bear more or bear less. How are you bearing others' burdens?

Galatians 5:13 “For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.” I could go on and on about how we (all Christians) are to interact with each other. How are you serving the body? There is nothing that is specific to the PW.

Don’t promote her or put her on a pedestal; it isn’t fair to her or to you. She does not have any super powers. She is not the measuring stick! Jesus Christ should be our measuring stick. If you are close to a PW or your own, you will see all the more her imperfections. Don’t expect perfection; she can’t give it and neither can you.

Be patient with her (as you want her with you). 

I Thessalonians 5:14 “Now we exhort you, brethren…..be patient toward all men.” She should be growing and maturing in grace just as you are. Becoming more like Christ is a process for every Christian. It is called sanctification. One of the greatest gifts we can bestow on each other: Do not expect from others what you, yourself, cannot give. I think part of being patient with each other, means we will graciously extend forgiveness when it is needed. And we all know, we need it often!!

I’m so very thankful for my church where I have been the PW for almost twenty years, but that doesn’t define me. I’m most thankful to be a child of the King, wife to Michael Poindexter, mother to Seth, Julianna, Lydia, Jacob, and Micah, daughter, and friend. The Lord has been so good to me!

May this encourage us all to reevaluate our perspective of the PW. If you are unsure if you have any expectations on her, recall conversations or comments you’ve had about her lately. Do you feel she’s failed you or the body in an area? Then you have most likely put some expectations on her.