Baby Dust: Thoughts for Infertility

By: Hannah Kasprzyk

He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord. Psalm 113:9

People tend to make it sound as if having children was as easy as flipping on a light switch. While for some it very well may be, for others the road to fertility can be hard. Infertility is a very real, sensitive, emotional struggle that can be hard to understand unless you have also walked that road. Sometimes there are medical reasons hindering one’s fertility; other times doctors label it as unexplained.

The truth is God opens and closes the womb.

Despite man’s best efforts, those struggling with infertility have no control over whether or when God might grant them children. It is all in God’s will and timing. 

I am by no means an expert on the topic, but my husband and I are among those going through infertility. Through this season, God has been teaching me many lessons as well as given me godly ladies who have gone through infertility to encourage and help me. Today I want to share some of these thoughts and lessons to help others out there also dealing with infertility.

When you go through infertility, it can feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster. Some days your burden is easy to carry; other days it feels as if you will be crushed beneath the weight. If you are struggling with infertility, it is okay to feel sad. It is okay to be happy for those having babies and also to feel sad deep in your heart because your arms are empty. When the sadness creeps in and tries to overwhelm you, be honest with yourself about how you are feeling and deal with those emotions. You may need to get alone and have a good cry. Allow yourself to release the pressure of always wearing a smile. You may need to pick up the phone and call your mom or a friend and talk it out. Assemble a group of godly ladies with whom you can be open and honest when you need a listening ear or some advice. You may need to pour out your heart in prayer to God.

Your Heavenly Father loves you. While the desire for children may feel heavy, He entrusted this burden to you to carry and He will give you the strength you need. Lean on Him.

You may need to meditate on Bible verses. Start compiling a list of verses that you can read for comfort, to remind you of God’s promises, and to strengthen your faith. You may need to play godly music that ministers to your soul. As songs speak to you, add them to a playlist to always have ready. You may need to get your mind off yourself by serving others. Find someone else going through a hard time and try to be a blessing and encouragement to them. Whatever you choose to do, don’t just bottle up your emotions, and don’t wallow in self-pity. Allow yourself space to release the pent-up emotions then carry on with what God has for you. 

As you go through infertility, it can be helpful to identify what triggered your emotions. Sometimes what makes you feel the sadness catches you off guard and other times you can see it coming. For instance, be careful with the amount of entertainment you view regarding pregnancy, midwives, and maternity. While it was enjoyable, I found that what I was viewing was also the cause of my heightened emotions. For me, it wasn’t worth it. When I stopped watching it all, I was much more at peace with where God had me. Other times inquisitive people may say things to you like “When are you going to have children?”, “Are you pregnant yet?”, or “Don’t you want to have kids?” These inquisitive comments can really hurt, but don’t hold it against the person. They often have no idea that what they said created a tsunami of emotions in your heart. Try having a prepared response for these moments like - “We are praying God will bless us with children.” Or “We would love to if God allows us.” As hard as this next one may be, be part of your friends' and families’ pregnancies. It will bring up emotions but do not sacrifice these experiences for your feelings. Congratulate that couple on their pregnancy announcement; go to that baby shower; bring a meal to that new mother; hold that new baby in the nursery. For some of us, this may be the closest we get to experiencing pregnancy and a new baby. You do not want to look back and regret the memories you missed out on for the sake of “protecting” yourself. 

Next, cling to your husband. Treasure and cherish him! You did not marry your husband just to have kids. You married him for who he is as an individual. Not everyone gets the privilege to be married; you GET to be married! What a gift! When it comes to your efforts to increase your fertility, be on the same page with your husband with whatever avenue you try. Ask yourselves: If God never grants you children, will you look back in regret on what you did or did not try? Then, strive to approach it with the same level of intensity. Now be careful that it does not consume you or your relationship. Don’t let every conversation or all your thoughts be on fertility. Find a balance. At the end of the day, God has blessed you already with a beautiful life together. Have you thanked Him?

Next, be content! Being content means being satisfied. True contentment is found in the person of God not in our circumstances. Is God enough? Can you truly say like the apostle Paul in Philippians 4:11, “In whatsoever state I am (even the state of infertility) therewith to be content.” A benefit of being content is also found in the definition of the word: “a state of peaceful happiness.” Will you be content with who God is and what He has already given you? (Challenge: Read The Classroom of Contentment: Where You Learn That God is Enough by Niki Lott.) 

Right along with that comes the most important lesson found at the root of it all - surrender.

Have you surrendered your fertility to God? If God says “no” and closes the door on children, will you still love and serve Him? That is a hard pill to swallow but there is such a level of peace that comes with the surrender of “not my will but Thine be done.” God is not lacking in the power to grant your request. If it is His will, it will happen in His perfect time. However, if it is not His will, He is still worthy of your praise and devotion. 

When you are truly content and fully surrendered, your perspective changes. You begin to see how God is using this in your life for personal growth in your own Christian walk. You recognize the wonderful, unique opportunities God is giving you now to minister and reach others around you.

Be found faithful doing God’s will for you today.

Take mission trips; pour your heart into your ministries; influence and invest in the young people in your church. Things like travel, job, ministries, and even consistent date nights all have the potential to change with raising a family. What a shame it would be not to maximize on these chances while you have them! 

Waiting is hard, especially when you don’t know what the outcome will be. For those of us struggling with infertility, our wait can feel unending, but God knows the perfect outcome for each of us. Psalm 113:9 says, “He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.”